


been holding it in for a while

by haipollai



Category: Captain America
Genre: Brief talk of suicide, Getting Together, M/M, Secrets, Trust, post winter soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-28
Updated: 2013-07-28
Packaged: 2017-12-21 16:41:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/902527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haipollai/pseuds/haipollai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The man in the cell barely looks like the man Steve remembers. He’s too thin, too haunted. His hair has been buzzed making him look more like a war refugee than Bucky Barnes or even the Winter Soldier.</p><p>“His stomach is having trouble adjusting to solid foods. Until about a week ago, all his nutrients came through an IV,” Maria says, following Steve’s gaze. “Apparently he’s been making himself eat if he can or using liquid supplements.”</p><p>“And what has SHIELD done?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	been holding it in for a while

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a quote from Welcome to Night Vale  
>  _“Whisper a dangerous secret to someone you care about. Now they have the power to destroy you, but they won’t. This is what love is.”_

The man in the cell barely looks like the man Steve remembers. He’s too thin, too haunted. His hair has been buzzed making him look more like a war refugee than Bucky Barnes or even the Winter Soldier.

“His stomach is having trouble adjusting to solid foods. Until about a week ago, all his nutrients came through an IV,” Maria says, following Steve’s gaze. “Apparently he’s been making himself eat if he can or using liquid supplements.”

“And what has SHIELD done?”

“Liquid supplements for now, trying to introduce softer foods. Of course we don’t want to give him utensils so it’s been ricky.”

“Of course?” Steve tries to keep the emotion from his voice but it slips through. Bucky used to tease him about that, said it gave all the bullies an easy in if he let them know he was hurt.

“He’s an enemy combatant being held by an organization he’s believed for years was the enemy. We’re not going to risk him killing himself.”

Steve doesn’t say anything. He’ll give himself away if he does. It hurts and he’s not sure why. That Bucky could be so lost that he would consider suicide. That SHIELD thinks Bucky would resort to that so easily. “Can I get in?”

From the corner of his eye, he sees Maria’s shocked look, quickly schooled back to neutral. “He could still be dangerous-”

“I can handle myself.”

She sighs softly and gestures for him to follow her. “I’m sure you can. If he tries to kill you - _again_ \- we might not be able to get to you in time.” She stops in front of the door and turns to face him. He has to drag his eyes away from Bucky, visible through the double sided re-enforced glass door, to focus on her. “Is that clear?”

“A hundred percent ma’am. I’m willing to take the risk.”

She looks like she might understand and she opens the door. Bucky doesn’t move a muscle, doesn’t even seem to look up as Steve enters. He makes his way carefully over to the bed that Bucky’s sitting on. it’s only when he’s a step away that he wonders if this is a bad idea but it’s too late. He’s not going to back down from a challenge and the way Bucky’s shoulders stay stiff is definitely a challenge. Everything about him is a giant don’t touch sign brighter than New York City on New Year’s Eve.

So Steve sits down.

They barely even touch, just his hand brushing against Bucky’s thigh. He’s warm, _real_. And he doesn’t move away.

“I might kill you,” Bucky mumbles.

“No you won’t.”

“And why not? I’m still- I’m still him.”

Steve leans in close, making sure to duck his head so the cameras can’t catch his lips. “Do you remember, our last night? You kissed me and I said-”

Bucky cuts him off with a humorless laugh. “You said to wait until I was sober. Fuck Steve, we have a million memories together and you pick that?” He runs a hand over his hair, short and prickly now and Steve wants to rub his cheek against it. He wants to know what Bucky feels like from head to toe.

“Yea, because I said we’d talk and we didn’t have a chance.”

“Your timing is shit.”

Steve moves his hand just enough to curl around Bucky’s thigh. “Well, at least I figured it out? We have a second chance now.”

It’s all Steve can do not to lean in right then and kiss him. Bucky’s breath hitches and he can see the disbelief in his eyes. “Why are you telling me this now?” He whispers. “I mean, right _now_ , here. Why not wait until they let me go? If they ever-”

“I’m telling you,” Steve interrupts, not wanting to hear Bucky finish that sentence. SHIELD is going to let Bucky out or else Steve’s breaking him out, there are no other choices. “Because. Because I need you to know that I believe you’re Bucky Barnes. And i trust you.” He rests his forehead on Bucky’s forehead, touching is so natural even after all this time. This is Bucky and it’ll never feel wrong to touch.

“Thank you,” Bucky whispers. His eyes don’t meet Steve, staring down and somewhere far away. His hand reaches across to grip Steve’s. “I don’t know if- a lot’s happened since then.”

“I know. I understand. Let’s get you out of here first.”

“Good luck.” He sounds less than convinced that Steve can get anything done for him.

“I’m not going to abandon you.”

“Then you might have to move in with me.” His eyes dart to the door and then pulls back enough to look at Steve. “I know you can see through it. Hope that doesn’t bother you, Cap.”

Steve smiles sadly. Bucky is so resigned and Steve doesn’t know how to fix that, if he even can. “I’ll get you out. I’ve got a place in Brooklyn, better than anything we ever dreamed of.” He runs his thumb over Bucky’s knuckles. There are scars there from fist fights as a kid, from boot camp and war and Steve doesn’t even know what else. But underneath it’s Bucky’s hand. 

“All that money and you went back to Brooklyn? Why not set yourself up in Midtown? Live it large, Steve.” A hint of his old smile tugs at Bucky’s lips.

Steve smirks. “Haven’t you heard? The Avengers all have apartments in Tony Stark’s fancy new skyscraper. Taller then the Empire State Building.”

Bucky laughs, from somewhere deep down he manages to find a laugh. He looks surprised at himself but his smile lingers. “I wasn’t the one trapped in an oversized ice cube, I’ve seen the world change.”

A blush spreads over Steve’s cheeks, he knows that, he can see the effect of all that time in the lines around Bucky’s eyes. “I-”

“I thought I wouldn’t want to kiss you anymore,” Bucky cuts him off with a whisper. “I thought after all the shit I wouldn’t want that, but fucking hell Rogers.”

His tongue darts out nervously over his lips, it’s all he can do not to lean over and give Bucky what he wants even with all the eyes on them. “I’m not sorry.” He keeps the distance between despite how badly he wants to close it. “When you’re ready, Bucky.”

Bucky’s eyes close tightly and he breathes in sharply through his nose. “You should be sorry. You should let me go, find someone else-”

“Bucky.” Steve rubs his thumb over Bucky’s knuckles again, just to remind him that he’s there. No matter what Bucky thinks he should have done with his life, Steve isn’t going to abandon him.

Bucky sighs softly and gives a small nod. “I understand.” He gives Steve a small smile and turns his hand under Steve’s so his fingers can wrap around his wrist. Steve wonders if he can feel the way his heart beats a little faster. “You’re still an idiot.”

“Takes one to know one.”

-

Two weeks and the need for extra hands in a crisis and finally Bucky is let out into the world. The fight is over and they’re standing side by side in the rubble. All Steve can do is stare. Bucky has dirt on his cheek and he’s favoring his left side.

“You look like shit,” Bucky grins at him, tempered with adrenaline with a cold burning battle lust. They’re back in the war and they’re back in the streets as kids, just trying to survive. And they’re going to survive, looking at Bucky, Steve knows they can handle anything together.

“Cause you’re a fucking model,” Steve retorts easily.

Bucky doesn’t disappoint and immediately strikes a pose. “You’re just jealous.” The adrenaline must have hit Steve harder than he realized because he dissolves into laughter, crouching down before he falls down. Bucky pushes his cowl back and Steve’s laughter catches in his throat. Bucky’s hand stays curled in his hair and Steve can’t tear his eyes away. He thinks, he thinks this might be it.

But then Stark drops down by them with a loud clank and Bucky’s hand jerks away.

“Time to get to work cleaning up. I’m sure SHIELD has some shovels or something you can throw all that super soldier strength behind.”

Bucky snarls under his breath so Steve stands quickly before anything can escalate. “We have to report to Hill first, carry on Stark.” He grips Bucky’s arm firmly and pulls him away.

“Steve,” Bucky hisses. “I’m not going back Steve.”

“You’re not. I’m going to tell her that you’re staying with me and then we’re going to help clean this mess up.” He stops to look Bucky in the eye. “I’m going to get that kiss.” Clean up takes hours before Steve feels comfortable leaving it to the authorities to handle on their own. After each mission there’s always a lingering feeling of guilt, as if somehow they should have been able to prevent all of this. So he does his part to deal with the aftermath. Even if it takes hours and he’s exhausted by the time he gets home.

Bucky half leads him to the shower since he doesn’t know exactly where he’s going. “You weren’t kidding Steve, this place is huge.” The water burns against his skin and he can only moan in agreement. The dirt and blood and whatever else that had ended up caked onto them slides off and it’s just the two of them, pressed closer than necessary. But neither makes an attempt to move.

“So?” Steve asks, resting his forehead on Bucky’s. Bucky answers by pressing his lips to Steve’s. It’s nothing like what he’s imagined because it’s real and warm. Bucky’s lips are chapped but wet from the water. He presses Bucky back against the wall as the kiss deepens, with the one line crossed it’s easy to go further. One of Bucky’s legs slips between his and pushes up. 

Steve gets a hand between them, wrapping around both of them and the friction burns hotter than the shower. It feels like forever and no time at all as his world narrows down to the jerky movement of their bodies together. Perfect, despite being nothing like what Steve ever imagined. He gasps out Bucky’s name when he comes, doing his best to focus on getting Bucky there with him.

The water washes away their come, sending it down the drain after the residue of the battle.

“Good?” Bucky whispers. He’s flushed, looking more alive than he has since Steve first saw him in this modern world.

“Better. Perfect.”

“So no expectations to live up to from here on out.” Bucky’s smile reaches his eyes.

“Don’t worry, I think you’ll manage.” He reaches over to shut off the water and in the sudden silence, their breathing seems to echo in his ears. “Ready? I’ll dry you off.”

“You better, I carried your ass in here. And that’s not an easy feat you know.” Steve starts to step out of the shower but Bucky catches his wrist and tugs him back. He presses a kiss to Steve’s lips and cheek and ear. “Let me tell you a secret now.”


End file.
